Tips to Hide Your Secret Hedge Fund Affair

//Tips to Hide Your Secret Hedge Fund Affair

Tips to Hide Your Secret Hedge Fund Affair


“Relax my darling. Dangerous liaisons are as common in your industry as an underwater stock option. Look around your office – my bet is that there are at least four individuals within your eyesight who are currently doing some dirty bond-pricing with a work colleague.”

She added, “the key to getting through what can be a very pleasant (although usually fairly short lived) experience, however, is to think with the part of your anatomy that is between your ears, and not that which is between your legs.”

We thought that Dr. Love’s tips sounded good, so we wanted to share the wisdom.


1. Maintain your usual office routines


2. Cover up your physical audit trail — PDAs are always a bad idea, as is discussion of PDAs

E-mails on your screen, his or her name on your cell phone, identical stories about that crazy weekend, holding hands in the office elevator (or worse) — just shout “affair.”

“You’re an educated man or woman, so act that way. Believe me, the thrill of not getting caught is much more satisfying than a red-faced admission of guilt,” Here Is Some of the best affairs I’ve ever had are so secret, even I don’t know about them.”

3. Manage your risk — especially if your casanova is a superior

AP”Banks and other financial firms mostly don’t care who you deposit your genetic stocks with – as long as this doesn’t impact your bottom line or seriously upset HR or Compliance.”

“However, if your counter party is a direct report, client or other potentially compromising figure, leverage your covered bond threefold, because you really don’t want to get caught red handed.”

4. Never ever use office email to exchange sweet nothings — it can and will be used against you

CNBC”Remember ‘Fabulous Fab’ from Goldman Sachs, whose soppy declarations of love intertwined with his not-so-cunning revelations about his clients have ended up with an unwanted date with a judge?”

Emails are archived and don’t just disappear. They “can (and will) be retrieved and used against you. Everyone has a cell phone — text. And for that extra thrill, go poke her on Facebook.”

5. Always be on your guard and never underestimate the suspiciousness of your other colleagues

Plausible deniability is key to maintaining the status quo, so try as best you can to hide any evidence of your insider trading — keep the pillow talk for after-hours.”

“In the final analysis, the whole office will probably know what you are up to, but as long as you all pretend it’s business as usual, you’ll get away with it.”

6. Go that extra mile — don’t rendezvous on Stone Street if you’re office is on Wall Street

You can bet that all bars within a 10 minute walking-distance from your office will, at some point, be visited by people you work with, or people you know (even if they are there themselves on a romantic roadshow). A little (further) walk goes a long way.”

7. No cover-ups — if you get caught, just be honest about it

“If you are executing a high risk trade, and your boss finds out — don’t lie or offer to end it all, but have a risk management strategy in reserve. Think ahead about mitigating, minimizing and managing all known risks.”

“If (probably when) your relationship fails your personal stress test, have an exit strategy already in place — an internal move, jumping ship to a rival, etc. In extreme cases, a tour of duty abroad might hold an appeal.”

8. Avoid one-night stands

A heat-of-the-moment unhedged trade could well lead to a long-term systemic problem. Remember, like a bonus, a night of passion can always be deferred.”



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